Those lost memories

It's funny.
When I was younger, I use to remember every single small details and memory. Every event, things said and stuff like that. I hated the fact that memories fade with time ever since I was 6 years old. I was afraid I would not be able to remember my nursery friends or rhymes or what-have-yous.
I thought it strange when my parents were sometimes too busy to remember promises made or things said. And it annoyed me. How is it possible to not remember?

So as I was growing up, I guarded my memories fiercely. Once in awhile I will think back about the things that I had wanted to remember and refresh those memories in case I had forgotten. Then, I did not think much about the memories that I did not remember and probably had them left behind.

Blogging serve as much purpose for me as anyone else. It helps to contain those memories that tend to fade away with time whether you like it or not. It's inevitable that as you age, more and more memories are fighting for that space in your brain. Such that you find yourself at conflict about what you want/should be storing in your head and what you should not be keeping.
I had initially thought that we all have a conscious say as to which memories stay and which we trash. It's afterall, your brain.

But experience has proven that it is not necessary the case.

In between my 2nd and 3rd relationship, I had forcefully left out some of the memories behind. I did not want to be haunted by them, because perhaps those really meant alot to me. Thus, I actively tried to erase them or replace them rather. I had thought that a greater love would surpass those memories that were once close to the heart.

It's after the 3rd relationship that I had realise those memories never did really leave.
I had only fool myself into thinking they did. Because now that I do not actively push them out and let them in.
I remember quite a fair bit of everything.
Perhaps memories don't fade. They just do temporarily and a time will come when it all returns.

That's why when my grandma was ridden with Alzhemier's (I am too lazy to check the spelling), it was a double blow for me. Because I thought taking away one's memory is the most cruel thing that could ever happen.
Sometimes when I look at her, and she looks back with that vacant stare, I cannot help but feel sad. All her life, all the memories and thoughts that were once very much a part of her just disappears from her entirely. Instead, nothing is going on inside her head. Not anymore. She is but just an empty shell living because her organs are still functioning.

That, is the worst punishment to mankind ever.
Losing your conscious and memories.

This is probably my 2nd greatest fear (the first being death itself).

I recently chanced upon a blog that I had created last year, and throughout this time. I had actually forgotten about it entirely. Until I chanced upon it. Someone made a seemingly harmless search on yahoo and landed themselves on that blog. Which is strange, because that blog and my current are totally not related. So I ain't sure how I manage to chance upon it.
And it's the 7th month! (It's 4-freaking-am in the morning)
I still think its scary reading about a blog you had created a year ago and totally left that memory behind till you chance upon it.
I mean, what if I never chance upon it? Would it just go down the drain and be washed away?

Reading that blog that I found back was interesting. Because there were feelings that I had felt last year (June actually) that I maybe still had but somewhat forgotten about.
I quite like it actually.
The fact that I stashed some thoughts somewhere and suddenly chance upon it. Kinda hooked onto that poignant feeling that invades you when you read that blog once more.

BUT
I am not willing to risk it really.
What if I stash and stash and I never retrieve it back?

Because I was so bothered by fading memories, I had wanted to backdate those memories and blog about them separately so I'd not lose those past memories from previous relationships. As much as I had attempted to do so. I stopped.

Memories are as such. When you think about them, the feelings are in the heart. The feelings you feel when those memories return are not something easily replicated into words, or into a blog. Thus, when I had started writing about them, it frustrated me because when I read those words that I had put down they didn't give me the same feeling as those I had when I was having those memories flashback.

Maybe as it is happening and I pen those words down, it translates my feelings better. Now that it's all over it's just different translating past memories.

I am freaking dazed. Because I've been up for 22 hours now.
So screw you if you think I'm blabbering.

I think, falling in love is when your partner snores like a fucking pig and you think it's sweet symphony.
SO I've never been in loved.
Never.