Rainbows and Butterflies.

You know what's the funny thing about depression?

Depressives get their "up" days as well. It's not always "down" for them. Unlike what they like to believe, they do not live with that perpetual dark cloud looming over their head. Occasionally, they step out and are actually happy.
When they are "up" their insides are filled with warm happy sunshiney feeling. It's all rainbows and butterflies. And they start to think that they've cured themselves of depression and have started to see light.
What makes this so convincing is, you don't suddenly wake up and see the rainbows outside your window. The change from the dark and gloomy to the bright and sunny is so gradual it fools everyone. The ones watching the depressives and the depressives themselves.
The change happens so gradually and so painstakingly slowly, you think this is well deserved.

It is only logical that depressives get their occasional ups.
If you do not occasionally feel happy, how then do you know what you're missing out on when you are dark and depressed?
Everything's relative.
I believe happiness is one of those.
You need to feel sad/hurt/pain/anger/frustration only then will you know the true meaning of happiness. When all those dark feelings go away and you feel something different, something warm that tingles and make you smile and feel light. You make the comparison and see things in relation to one another.
Only then can you be capable of understanding happiness.

This is so morbid.
I know.
And I know many disagree, because I am implying that one can only be happy when they've been upset.

But this is what I personally understand of happiness.
How do you know you are happy, if you haven't seen the darkest of the dark?

I believe I am suffering enjoying one of my "ups".
Not that this is a bad thing.
Because I am definitely taking lighter steps and I see rainbows at every corner and fluttering butterflies everywhere.
But I think the road back towards depression begins when one starts to ponder about their current state of abnormal happiness.
It's like, I don't believe I deserve to be happy. Nor do I believe my current state of happiness is going to be an extended one.
When I start to ask those questions, I start to walk back that path and be upset all over. And this fantastic little bubble that I live in for this short while burst.

So tell me, how does one maintain this?
How can I keep myself as happy as I am now without changing anything?

Do I stop thinking and delude.
Or do I start thinking and delude.

I actually am happy.
Right now.
I am happy.

So I really can't explain the melancholy in this entry.

I really am.
Maybe I should start living the day as it is and quit thinking ahead altogether.
It's what's ahead that frightens me.

Even though it's Monday today.
I don't feel blue.
Which is a little strange, because I've grown accustomed to whining every Monday. Such that when a Monday comes by and I don't feel blue or feel like whining about it. I think something's wrong with me.
Sheesh.

It is amazing how one gains so much from a book.

As much as I didn't connect with The Alchemist.
I totally TOTALLY did with The Zahir.
And I'd write about that another day, because I need time to gather all those thoughts and reflections.

Till then.