The world and me.

A recent spate of events left me very terribly heartbroken.
As much as I hate to publicise, let me just reassure you I am not doing that now. As much as I've been blogging for almost 4 years now (I think, too lazy to go count) you would have already realised that lately, I've not been very keen on blogging much of what's really going on anymore. Let's just say all these years, I've learnt only to be wary of what I write. Thus, the shift from blog to blog. I like it here very much, and have no intentions whatsoever to shift. Therefore, I reckon it would be better to keep the true feelings hidden and this is thus just yet another facade that I maintain for everyone else.

A blog, use to reflect the truest of me. That is, what I don't show, I let you read.
I am not too sure that is somewhat good anymore. Because I just hate it when confrontations of what is written or posted happens (not that it happens often). But it does.

I am just not a very "talk-alot" person.
That is, I am only responsive when probed. I only talk when asked, I only discuss, when discussion is initiated. As much as I prefer not to be asked or discussion not to be initiated, you cannot expect me to go on and on about my heartfelts just because. The tendency for me to blog them out is far greater than hearing it from me.

But because of my tendency now to filter contents here, I think these limits are more harmful to me, than anyone else.

This, is inadverdently one great big mess which I hope to extradicate myself from. BUT, the process is an uphill task.

If you do not understand just what the f*ck I am writing about thus far, I honestly do not blame you. Because I myself am caught in my own words.

As much as I love to read between the lines (because I am actually quite good at it), I am tired of writing between the lines. I wish, I could just let it all out, whatever's trapped inside me. To just lash out at the world for all these that I am going through all the dilemma and unjust. Then again, I am afraid of the judgements that each one of you will pass. I am afraid of the look I would see in your eyes and/or the disapproval or disdain reflected.

Long gone, was the person who spoke freely.

I believe when I was younger and more innocent I was like that.

When I reflect upon myself and think of words to describe myself I sometimes get stuck. Just like I am now.
I've just come to realise, that the person I thought I am, no longer am. That is to say, I've been trapped in this time capsule thing. Whereby, the person I believe I am exists in the past, say like 5-10 years ago. It no longer holds true for the person I am today.

Time happened to me, just that I never acknowledged that, nor did I include that in my reflections. I very conveniently block them out.

That's scary.

Because after all these years, much have happened that transformed me into the person I am. But I never took these changes to heart or even acknowledged them. I wilfully think I am still who I am, without all the changes.

Don't ask me how I suddenly just came to realise this sad fact. I have no freaking idea. Or perhaps this is just another warped concept of mine which I would lose in a couple of days. But at this very moment, it's hard to shake off that "shit" feeling.

I'd give you an example of how I came to conclude this.

A great many years ago, ( I like to see myself as ancient, and I attribute that to reading fantasy - ie. DragonLance) when I was younger, I like to think that I confide in friends a great deal about what I am going through. And the same can be said vice versa. Especially so when it's affairs of the heart.

When I was still in college I remember nights that I spent just calling up my very good friend (you should know who you are when you are reading this), and we'd just bitch about life, cry and just talk endlessly about all those troubles messing with us. That is to say, I would not hesitate to pick up the phone and call my friend and just c-r-y.

But over the years, things change, and I've changed.
I am not saying my friends have changed or that they are no longer supportive or no longer pick up the phone (this only apply to ONE friend). But I guess I just couldn't do it anymore. Through the years, I've only learnt to withdraw deeper into my shell instead of coming out.

Many warped ideas that you pick up along the way over the years, despite how warped they are, they always seem to say deeply entrenched in your heart. I don't know how to remove them or to disregard them and change.

This example is just part of the many changes that have taken place. And this is one of the few that I let myself acknowledge. The rest, I just place them at the back of my mind and cross my fingers, hope I will forget them with time. Which is sad. Because I am letting my life spiral and not doing anything proactive about it.

Don't mind me.
I am just feeling abit off lately.
Life's been shitty with me. Or, I've been shitty with myself. I don't know.

Sometimes, I feel so alone in this world. Like everyone else is living in their little snowglobe and I'm just watching from outside. Likewise, everyone else is looking into my life outside my snowglobe and they think I am fine/shit (I really don't know) and there's no way to reach inside to me. The glass around this globe is thick and it becomes more and more impenetrable with time.

I say this, because I was more than a tad bit upset on Friday.
I cried on the train home, and there was just nothing anyone could do for me. When I do look at the people around me on the train after some time, they could only look on bewilderedly. When I do tell the few privileged ones on the state of distress I was in, there was really nothing whatsoever those people could do.
And this led me to wonder, if they didn't care. Are there anyone else out there that do? If they didn't understand, would anyone else out there care?
Most importantly, if they could not make me feel better, instead they lead me only to withdraw deeper inside. Am I alone?

I hate to dwell in such thoughts.

I reckon I've been far too pampered in a great many ways.

There was a time, when I was overly dependent on another for every thing possible. I stopped making decisions, I stop fighting for my own happiness, I stop being strong, I stop being independent.. I was overly reliant.
The process of stepping out is tough. It's been so long. But I am still struggling to stand up on my own and break away from all that.
It seems like my life is an ongoing process of breaking free from the past.

Is it me, or is the past catching up on me?
I find it difficult to live the present, without tears.

Sunday's making me unnaturally melancholic.
On the brighter side of things, it's going to be a short week, thereafter there would be NO HOLIDAYS whatsoever until AUGUST. Cross fingers for me, and pray that I would not have foamed and died till then.