Not upset enough.

I never knew there was this obligation for me, a blogger who is in a relationship to actively portray the levels of sorrow accurately to the point of satisfaction at every episode.
I definitely did not know it was expected of me.

Then again, in the past I did so not because I knew I was expected to but because I needed to. There was that outlet for me to vent what I needed to release.
When I did so, and was slipping very horribly into depression my friends did at the initial stages express their concern. So much so I was touched, and thus very guilty when things revert back to original.
Like the number of times I said we were going to split and I was so fucking upset about the whole matter. But later when they enquire about the entire issue altogether they realise it was just yet another false alarm.

I've gone through this cycle countless of times.
And I don't know about you, but sometimes I've grown ashamed of it.
You don't live the guilt of having your friends call you up after reading a post, and asking about how I am.
You don't know what it is like going back to you and having to tell my friends, "oh, we're ok again"

Ms Cia says I am contradictory, and nobody seems to know if we are off or on for that matter.

Thus, I left those information out altogether.
I stop saying if we got back or not.
I stop saying if we are off or not.
Because I myself don't know which is permanent and which is not.
I don't want to cry wolf anymore. Because I don't know how long it is going to take for my friends to really wash their hands off me.
You know how scary that thought is?
When I am truly upset and depressed and you turn around and nobody can be bothered with you anymore, because they are just so sick and tired.
YES. You probably would NEVER understand that.
But that is WHAT I am terrified off now.
And I promised myself, I will NOT allow myself to cry wolf AGAIN.
The next time I tell them I am upset, I have to REALLY be.

You think I don't want to blog about just how fucking disappointed I am in this entire situation? But why the fuck should I let just about everyone read how stupid this whole thing is? Especially the ones involved? It is not that I mind having my friends read my blog. But do you think my friends are the only ones reading the shit we are going through? Don't think I don't know the others read. Because they do. I am not stupid. NOT stupid at all.

I wish I can begin to describe the fucking PAIN you inflicted when you said what you said to me.
You say I am not upset enough.
So is this enough for you?
Now that your words brought upon such pain and hurt, I had let everybody else know.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You think I am having the time of my life.
Think again.

Just because you are occupied with shitloads of work and I am not.
You think I am so fucking free and happy.

What is the point of being so fucking upset?
When you do nothing whatsoever to rectify the situation?
Oh wait a minute.
You DO.
All you DO is drop a couple of sms to make up for the lies you NEED to tell.

I cannot go on now.
Because my head is spinning with disappointment, hurt and anger.

So I ask, is this enough for you now?
Or do you need me to slit my wrists just so you would be able to tell I am sad enough for you?

Then again, should I even be bothering anymore?
Fuck off.