Shan hu hai

** Please bear with me, I have to use Han yu pinyin even though I really prefer chinese characters (ya right).

You've gotta watch the following Jay Chou MTV.
The main male character in the following MTV (Fang Wen Shan) is also the director of this partciular MTV, which leads me to think this is probably his love story.




When I watched this MTV for the first time, I thought it to be unreal.
I was literally transported back to the place where my memories were stashed, and relived it all once more.
It was as if, this MTV was made for me. (oh boy)

Because a great some time ago, like the female character in the MTV, I made the choice of leaving someone I loved for the person who loved me.(or so I thought) There was a time, where I foolishly thought love is measured tangibly. I relish all that on the surface measurements of love. The flowers I received, the gifts that were showered, the flowery words, the promise of happiness and all the great many things that followed, many of which are quickly forgotten.

What you don't see in the MTV however, is the impact of that girl's life after that. You know, Mr Fang Wen Shan, the story probably didn't just end there. At least it didn't for me.

The agony you see in the MTV is probably 10 times as much as it looks.
When I realise the great big mistake that I made, it sometimes isn't just so easy to undo them. As much as he once assured me that we could put this great big incident behind us and move forward, it was impossible for me to erase that guilt. Therefore, I tried endlessly to prove that my decision was right, and that I did not regret. Ultimately, the harder I tried to convinced myself, the easier it became for my guilt.

Right till today.
The memories are vivid.
I don't remember the flowers that I received (numerous that followed) nor the words that were spoken that were then so sweet. I don't remember the cards that I received, the gifts that were showered.
I honestly don't.
Instead, I remember the intangibles.
I remember the letters written after I tried to go. The words that were said, the flowers that you gave. I remember the CDs that you made, the endless waits at my place just to hand them over to me. The tears you shed, the dilemma I felt.
As much as I had second thoughts and regrets then. I pushed them all off because I was too proud to live with guilt.

I once thought I knew what it was like to be loved.
To be pampered dearly and loved.
On hindsight, I realised it was nothing like what I imagined. I learned it all, only the years thereafter you left, from the least likely person. And I guess, in a way there will be no love that would surpass yours.
It was subtle, but it remains etched in my heart.
It is because you loved me then, that you let me pursue the happiness that I seek. For my happiness.

I reckon this entry and words spoken will upset a selected few.
I contemplated quite a bit before putting this up. This MTV isn't new, the feelings wasn't just felt now. It took me some time to acknowledge them and put it to words. I do so, and I do it in public and not private is because this is part of me. My memories as much as it is hurtful to the some who read are still a part of me. Being honest to those feelings are just about the only thing I can do right. Perhaps then, you'd learn to understand me a great deal more.

Memories are just about that. Over the years, you learn new things about the memories that you once had and desperately grasp at it hoping to hold onto them. But the fading process happens whether you like it or not. I do much to preserve my memories because I live life only once. It makes me unhappy to forget things that were once beautiful. These memories remind me of the person that I once was, the person I am now, and the person I want to be.
The feelings once felt belong to the memories.
Although a faint ache is felt when memories are mentioned they are just but an ache. The ache probably exists as a reminder of that feeling that was once felt.

When you fastforward those memories to present day... they remain just like an MTV that replays in your head.
That is why this MTV somehow struck a chord with me.

Life moved on.
There are many types and levels of love. So nobody may be able to surpass that sacrificial love that he was displayed. But I am sure there are other types of love waiting to be explored.

Fatfat, if you are offended in any way, I am sorry.
As I've said. There are different types of love. Yours is just another that I am indulging in. And of course, I love you in a different way. Differently from many others.
So yes, I do love you. And you are not part of a memory. That is all that matters.