I've had enough

I never thought at this age, we'd still be going through things like these.
When I was younger.. I use to think that growing up was swell, because we didn't have to be like that anymore.
What the fuck is the temper you are throwing at me at for?

I've had enough.
I really have.
For quite some time now, I supress what I've always felt and thought all inside. Because I thought afterall, it was perhaps for my own good. Afterall, you are still but my mother who wants the best for me.

I've tried my darnest to be the best I could.
But it's never fucking enough for you.

Growing up is like a competition.
We all compete to please you, compete to meet your expectations.

I am the way I am today, because of you.
And I never thought it in a bad way until lately.
When I realise why my life is filled with comparisons. I measure myself according to others, and I am never once secure about myself.
Because you never made me feel that way.

I grew up hearing nothing but put-me-down statements.
About how ugly and fat I am.
All these, coming from nobody but my own mother.
Excuse me, perhaps if my brother or sister said that to me, I would have been fine about it.
BUT it comes from no one but my own mother.

I can't cook, I am ugly, I am rotten and nobody would want me.
When I get 3rd in class it was not good enough for you. When I get 2nd in class, it still isn't good enough for you.
And I always wondered what then is good enough for you?

I directed my entire life to do things that would please you.
I didn't get to sit down and think which path is right. I just did which was the most prestigious, which would make you fucking happy.
But still, I wonder if it was all good enough for you.

I am tired of living to your expectations. I am tired of trying so hard to make you happy.
When you just ain't satisfied with everything fucking thing I do.
What more do you want from me?

Nobody understands why I suffer from insecurity.
Why I don't think I deserved to be loved.
NObody ever understands. And I feel so trapped in this fucking bubble of mine.
I am insecure because I never felt good about myself.
I thought the worse of myself and compared to the rest. I am just not good enough for anybody.
Not good enough for my mother.

The only time you were pleased was when I received my O'level results.
I chose the path thereafter because I thought you would be happy about it. And I suffered in the end. Because I just wasn't made for it.
When I did badly for my A's. Thank goodness the person who talked to me wasn't you.
At least my dad had the decency to tell me, "it's alright, you've done your best, that is what matters"
For 18 years of my life, I waited for that day to come when someone would say that to me.
But not once during those 18 years did you say that to me, it was as always.. NOT good enough.

I don't understand how anyone can put someone down like the way you put me down.
Especially so when I am your daughter.

I am tired.
On the one hand, I am fighting my best to stay afloat and not live in comparisons, I am fighting my best to love myself. Yet on the other hand I am still desperately seeking your approval. I am still trying so hard to make you happy.
What the fuck have I done wrong?

As yet, I am already at conflicts with myself.
I suffer from all that you did not give me when I was younger. And it has nothing material to what you did not give.
It's the love, the security that you should have build up in me. You failed to nurture me to love myself. Instead, you made me see the worse of me.

Don't throw your temper at me just because.
I've done my best that I could. Because you are my mother, I've already forgiven you for putting me down all these years, for comparing me with the great many other kids and for not loving me the way I want to be loved.
I love you nonetheless.
But why is it I am still not good enough for you?

How do one love yourself?
When nobody in the world loves you.