Group Two

To think we all got excited for nothing.

Friday was the strangest day.
I woke up feeling very disoriented. And the entire passed with me almost never stepping out of that endless dream.
Till now, when I look back to yesterday, it still feel pretty much surreal.
Not that anything major or life threatening happened.
It just felt.. strange.
This morning, when I woke.. I had to ask myself if yesterday was but just a dream.

Turns out it wasn't.
Cos I woke up to Saturday.

Yesterday, I spent the morning waiting for a call that was to come in the afternoon.
When it finally did come.
I wasn't sure I really wanted it to. Because it just pretty much confirmed the shit I was in.

I received a job offer.
I love just about everything of that job offer.
The people I was perhaps going to work with, the work environment, the reputation of that company, the fucking increase in salary that I would be getting, the dental benefits that they are providing, the discounts that I would receive if I am working, the 2 extra sacred days of AL that I will get, even the bloody location of the damn office, the learning opportunities as proposed by the people that interviewed me, the career path that I can see paved..
It's everything.
And the only one thing that is stopping me now from running down to get my signature on that appointment letter?

The fact that they need this position to be filled in by end of MARCH and no later.
Which basically means I have to give up my entire severance package for this dream job of mine.

That one fucking condition totally screwed the perspectives.
I am supposed to be happy.
But I ain't.

Suddenly, the fact that people don't always get everything right in their lives seem to really impact on me.
It is virtually impossible to get everything you want in life.
Thus, the decisions that we have to make.

Decisions.
The only word that throws me in an instant depression.
Instant.
The only thing stopping me from falling now is denial.
I am conveniently escaping.
Don't ask me till when.
And yes, I know how I have to face this shit whether I like it or not on Monday. But right now, I am just not ready to make this humongous decision in life.
It's not like I don't know how Monday is going to be like.
I will have to make the decision and let the other party know my decision. I have to think about it now to really decide because the decision making process is a long one.
But right now, all I am doing is shutting down.
When I ask myself
How? So what the fuck am I going to do about it?
Another part of me would say, let's just pass this weekend first and we'd see how. Perhaps the decision will shine brightly on me on Monday.
When my parents ask me,
How?
I pretend I have the answer. I rationalise both paths ahead of me, and I find myself in greater shit. Because either way, either decision I make.. I can justify my actions for it.
When barbie ask me,
How?
I say I don't know, and ask him to decide for me.
And you know, I really mean that.
I seriously have no idea what the fuck I should do about it. And I wouldn't mind if he took over and helped me decide. Though my friends tell me its dangerous, cos I would probably blame him either way.
But you know what is the funny thing about love?
No matter how much I hate him later for making the right/wrong decision for me, I can never hate him as much as I would hate myself.
Also, because he loves me, he would not mind taking the blame for it, or hate me for blaming him.

I am truly tempted.
BUT.
I think it's time to stop being lazy and start making my own decisions and blaming myself for them (which would eventually make me fall deeper into depression and kill myself).

Tick tock tick tock.
Every second passed is bringing me closer to doom.
Suck it.

And to top things off.
I received another call today for yet another interview at Changi Airport.
How cool is that? To work in Changi Airport and be totally isolated from the rest of the working world.
Don't ask, I have no idea what this company is doing or why they are at Changi Airport.
Don't ask why I even agreed to the interview next week when I am already in shit.
I am hoping this would be my salvation, and it would save me from the throes of utter despair and (in short) decisions.

But guess what smart ass?
Tick tock tick tock.
My time's ran out.

You don't see it on your end of the monitor now..
How I am typing at frantic speed, pounding on my keyboard.
I am high on...
depression?

Don't ask how.
I just am.
And I can't stop.