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When I came back from Taiwan, I learnt something.
The boyfriend and I are not particularly sociable individuals.
That is to say, we do not socialise at all.
Whilst others bond over dinner after 6 freaking days and almost 12 hours together. We don't.
Not that we don't care about the people around us.
We do.
In fact, at the end of everyday, sometimes on the bus, during meal times, when shopping, we'd gossip discuss about the others. And even gave nicknames to some.
Actually, we gave nicknames because we never really got to know their real names.
Just like they never got to know our names.
I bet they just knew us as the-couple-who-are-on-a-honeymoon . People just assumed we are honeymooning, and nobody bothered to correct them when they asked, "where's your wife?"
I realised it is easier to make assumptions than to ask awkward personal questions.

Anyhow, as I was saying, we are not at all sociable.
I use to think it was just me.
Then I started to think I am getting better.
Lately, I realise I am worse than ever.
Throw me with a stranger/new boss/friend's friend and you will find me speechless.
Utterly speechless.
I hate lame conversations like, "ermm.. so how was it?" or "what you doing now?"
It takes alot of time for me to melt down and be comfortable enough to tell you personal stuff.
If I start telling you about what I did over the weekend, you'd know you are within my comfort zone.
Because I am comfortable enough to tell you how I spent the weekend attempting to strangle my boyfriend and choke him in his sleep.
But if silence is comfortable between me and you.
We're as good as strangers.

When I look at my relationship with my boss in retrospect.. I realised we really came a long way.
In my first week of work. I never could have imagined having such an amiable relationship with her.
I thought we were doomed to a strict boss-subordinate work relationship.
It never ocurred or struck my mind, that I will perhaps one day call her my friend.
Nor would I ever think we'd have casual dinner after work, with her kid tagging along.. like how friends have meals together.

When I really got to know her better, I realise just how much alike we were in characters. But sometimes, it is tough to draw the line between being similar, and wanting to be like her. But I reckon we share many similar traits prior to this job, thus we were fated to be colleagues.
(how drama mama can I sound).

Having dinner today with her felt kinda surreal, especially when she brought her daughter.
Never would I have pictured this 1/2 a year ago.
I remembered it all.
How I would dread work on Monday, and drag my feet along.
We wouldn't even speak for more than 10 minutes to each other in one whole day unless I have questions for her.
How we were so distant, though we spend like 9 hours in the same cubicle.

Then work started to slow down, and we started to chat about private stuff.
Like her daughter, handphones, sports, ambition, marriage etc.
I wouldn't say she is perfect.
But I look up to her.

I cannot begin to describe just how sad I feel, to have to watch this work relationship fall apart in a couple of months time.
How we would end up working in new companies, and she'd have a new assistant, whilst I have a new senior.

The process of building that comfortable relationship once more makes me weary.
I am already tired of it.
The thought of it frightens me more than a new job scope.
Am I abnormal or what?

Sometimes I am glad that the boyfriend is equally as anti-social.
Then he understands how I feel, when we are out with his friends, and they chatter on endlessly.
Because sometimes, he takes a step back and pays attention to me (and my nails).
(I have this habit of examining my nails when I am bored.)

Everything takes time.
For me to break down those walls I have.
What you see, is not what you get.
Sometimes, I think many know the surface me. I can't blame them.
I wear a mask all the time when there are people around, and I only take it off when I am all alone.
So sometimes, it makes me sour inside, when people tell me..

"You seem so calm and collected.. cool headed"
What they don't know is, my insides are in a frenzy.

Are there always 2 different sides?
Or is it just me?