2005

Since 2005 is closing.
I guess it is about time to start reflecting. It's good to leave all the bad of 2005 behind and bring forward the good.
Then perhaps 2006 would be better.

So was 2005 a good or bad year?
Indecisiveness being my fatal flaw.
I really can't answer.
Asking me to lean towards one side throws me in a dilemma.
If I lean towards the good. Would I be too positive and bring up my expectations a tad bit? Then 2006 will never live up to the "good" of 2005?
But if I were to lean towards the bad. Then perhaps I haven't really been appreciative enough of the gifts of 2005. Hence, not deserving a good 2006.

Bah.
Its tough.

Its amazing how I sit down and look at my calendar refusing to believe 12 months flew past me just like that.
I vividly remembered just about everything.

~
From the sweet little kiss when the clock struck 12am on New Year's Day at Madam Wong's.
To the bustling Chinatown on CNY's eve.
Whining about being jobless for the weeks that ensued.
Landing myself a job at the end of March, after Good Friday.
Settling myself down at work.
Taking a break in Tioman, lazing on the beach.
Endless spats and quarrels when we returned.
2 weeks reservist for him. 2 weeks of missing.
National Day celebrations at Marina Bay
Watching the fireworks display with the 2 most important man in my life at Benjamin Shears
SKII, a single stalk of pink rose and dinner at Sketches for our One year anniversary celebrations.
A quick birthday kiss at the underpass in Orchard, dinner at Lemongrass and an assortment of gifts from a thoughtful someone.
One huge quarrel.
Our first week overseas in Taiwan + Pan Wei Bo
His Birthday, company outing, early christmas party.
The last month of the year. Everything festive.
~

I truly think I remembered every little significant thing of the past year.
Everything seem to have meant a great deal to me, for when I look back and have the flashes of memories playing at the back of my head, everything seemed to have happened just yesterday.

I don't wish for more.
I just want 2006 to be somewhat like 2005.
Where everything seem somewhat significant.

Memories become relative as time passes.
As time passes, the distant memories become more distant, to the extent.. sometimes you'd wonder if it did really happen at the point in time.
It never fails to amaze me.
How coming out of 3 relationships.. every one of those relationships just seemed to have faded in the background.
Every single relationship seemed to have been preparing me for the next because life is just an ongoing journey.
I get too caught in that, sometimes I cannot picture myself settling down. As much as I want to now, I can't seem to find the notch for me to slip into comfortably.
Perhaps I am just too used to transitions.

Come what may.

Sometimes, when I look back on myself.. I see the differences in me.
Its time like this, that the notion of time scares you.
You compare yourself now and yourself 5 mins ago, and you are pretty much the same. But if you were to compare yourself now, and the yourself a year ago.. you'd notice there's some difference.
A year may sound like a mighty long time.
But really, when you think of it as 12 months, and it is the 12 months that just flew past.. it wouldn't seem as long anymore.
Then, you start thinking within this really short 12 months you've aged and it'd scare you.

Celebrating birthdays become just a scary routine you'd prefer to give it a miss.
When you add another number to your age, you'd not think much of it.
It is when I realise my brother is 20.. that it finally dawned on me.. just how much I've aged.
My brother, will always be that baby boy I remember.
Thinking him as a young adult, knowing that he is a young adult freaks me out more than I'd like to admit.
We're all aging.
Gone were the days we fight the monsters that we think lay beneath our beds.
Now, we fight the demons of age that we think lay at the surface of our skin.

Should I be glad that I am still breathing life into my lungs?
Or should I whine about how life is always just a battle. You fight till you forget what you are fighting for.

Don't ask me what is making this reflective entry so melancholic.
There is afterall much to rejoice about.
In a week's time I'd receive my bonus, have another long weekend to waste and a brilliant year to look forward to.
Perhaps a part of me, is sad that 2005 is ending.
Afterall, this had been the most fruitful year.

Sigh.
Tough to let go.
But I think its only healthy.

Goodbye 2005.
It's time to fade away..