Random Sunday Thoughts.

A few years ago.. a certain Ashpixie introduced me to blogging.
"Try it! Try it! It's fun"

I reluctantly signed up for my first virgin account (the now defunct www.xanga.com/fairystars)
It took me quite a while, for the buzz to set in. I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, it was somewhat cumulative.
I read about blogging later in the papers, before deciding to give it a try.
I realised I had a great many things I've always wanted to write down somewhere. Thoughts, that need a home to rest.

Friends at school started to have a xanga account (courtesy of pixie),and there, it grew more interesting I guess. From a lone blogger, we became almost like a community.
It was fun, I remember.
How we'd innocently blog, read blogs etc.
The furore, I remember.

As I became more involved in blogging, I realise it was therauptic in more than just one way.
It became my outlet. Perhaps my only outlet.
Words that I can't bring myself to say, were conveyed in my blog.
I've learnt more about myself through my blog than I ever did in aimless self reflection.
I loved my blog.
Through it, I laughed and shed tears.

I closed my very first blog. Because I wanted a chapter of mine to close together with it.
Sometimes, I do think about it.. and wonder if the lost memories were a pity.
For together with the bad, there were some good. And afterall, a part of my growing stemmed from that blog.
Then again, I hate to regret, and though I probably could have it restored, I decided against it.
In some ways, it is just not healthy.. to keep undoing the things that you've done.
And so I left it as that.

I shifted so many times now I somewhat lost count.
I've abandon some.

I am happy, at where I am now.
Because I've got a false sense of anonyomity, something which I never had in my 2nd (also defunct) blog.

But the feelings I have towards blogging now, and the feeling I once had a few years back is no longer the same.
I use my blog for far too many things, many of which I am not proud of.
And thus, the theraputic-ness (if there is such word), have greatly reduced. So much so, there's no joy in blogging anymore.

Will I find that same joy once more?
I can hardly say it.
Because the joy have already diminished.

I can't remember when it was, that the joys of blogging started to diminish.
But I do know.. there are far more repercussions now.
Suddenly.. blogging is just not another mindless thing one does. Overnight, the notion of blogger's responsiblity crops up.
Now, we have to be mindful of what we blog about.
To me, that just kills the very fundamental essence of blogging.
It was fun for me, because blogging is just yet a mindless activity, for yourself.
Why should we have to be mindful about what is written, who reads it, and how it affects others?
Growing up (with the responsibilites) is already hard as it is.
To have to dictate our lives and be responsible about it at the same time.. that is just a very big hassle.

Why not shift the responsibility to the readers instead.
We should bloggers have to take responsibility for what is written in our own blogs? Why can't readers be responsible and rational.
The bloggers that were convicted and sent to jail.
They did not exercise their responsbility as a blogger and as a Singaporean in a multi-racial and harmonious country.
Their unthoughtful remarks could have sparked a racial war in a country that prides itself over their established racial harmony.
But why, must bloggers be responsible for what they write? Why must we regulate and restrict and hinder freedom of speech? Why can't the readers be given the responsibility to be able to rationally dissect the crap that is found in thousands of blogs emerging in every corner of Singapore.
Why can't readers themselves think, and understand that everyone is entitled to their own views, entitled to their own perspectives towards the many topics that have been talked about.

You know why it is the responsiblity of bloggers?
Because our society is as such.
We have been overly protected.
Shielded from the many harmful truths about the real world.
We have been coerced to all have the same views as those governing us.

- Our ministers have insanely fat pay checks.
- Our pay checks are heavily shrinking
- We can no longer stand up for ourselves and what we passionately believe in.
- Observing order.
- Chewing gums have to go, Cigarettes get to stay

We call ourselves a democratic society.
You don't know democracy until you've been to one.

When was the last time a strike was held?
When was the last time we fought for something we strongly believed in.
When was the last time we opposed the governing body?
Do we really have a diversity in our society?

The only diversity we know of, is existence of more than 2 races, which by now is not uncommon in other countries.
But I believe, other countries will do far better than ours, and other countries will be a better country to live in because they are a truly democratic society.
People are able to speak up, without having to worry about responsibility.

Have it not be proven before?
That we are too straight-thinking?
The lack of diversity cranks us up?
If you live in a relatively new HDB flat with a ridiculous bomb shelter, you'd know.
Because the ridiculous bomb shelter was designed by a scholar working for HDB.

Right.. the fact that nobody questioned that ridiculous design/idea fazes me.
Because, since God knows when, almost every one on the streets have been ridiculing it.
Yet, no one in HDB ever question that? Or found that a pure waste of time?
C'mon.

And even if nobody in HDB ridiculed it..
Did we citizens protest against it fervently enough?
Not that I know of.
Because, in Singapore, nobody goes on strike. Nobody stands out to question the governing body.Nobody can, and nobody will oppose the governing body.
Because fighting for something we believe in is wrong.
That is what we've been taught.

Creativity will never thrive in our society.
Building 20 esplanades is not going to make us all suddenly interested in the arts.
Emphasizing on creativity and out of the box thinking in schools is downright ridiculous.
Take time to step back and reflect.
Do you really think that by emphasizing that in schools, we'd all morph into creative individuals?
We are force-fed into thinking we need to be creative.
We look at creativity as a solution, not a gift or option.
You either be creative or you lose out.

Because of this emphasis on being creative.. everyone struggles to shine. Everyone wants to be creative.
But how are we ever going to be creative anymore? When everyone else is also creative?
How are we going to be creative, when we can not and probably will never be able to shake off the stigma of society?

Us Singaporeans are a sad lot.
Me included.
Sometimes I find myself pursuing totally irrelevant things in life.
I'd like to blame it on my environment, well, I do.
But really, who can blame me for that?

We view and term success with being financially capable.
Success is monetary linked.
What is success?
Huge bungalow, fancy car, enough blings-blings to brighten up your house, nice enviable clothes, enough cash in the bank to feed a child in Cambodia through till his teenage years.
Is that success to you?
To many, that is.

I can't say I've never dreamt of all that.
Life sometimes get hard.. and I want to just live the life of luxury.
But more often than not. I always wonder when and if I've finally attained all of that.. would I think I am successful? Would I be hungry for more, like the many of us are doing?

Singaporeans are not poor.
But how many rich fellas out there you know are contented?

Money is a symbol of success. But money is not success.
You are successful, when you are happy. Truly happy and contented with life.
Success have to be intangible.
Because then, when you feel it and you know you've felt it and have been touched by it. You'd be happy and know you are successful.
On the other hand, when you finally buy your first car, you'd dream of your bungalow, you'd want to keep increasing the figures in your bank, you'd never have enough. Because you keep trying to be more successful. The appetite for success becomes insatiable.
But the sad real truth is that.. you'd never be successful in that term. Because till the day you breathe your last.. you'd still want more.
When will enough be enough?

After days of gloom.
Hours of reflection..
And hundreds of questions later.

I've to be appreciative and say I had been happy with what I have done to my life so far.
I pursued what I've held close to my heart.
I work for satisfaction, not for money.
I live for passion, not materials.

Let's just hope I remain like this for the years to come.
And hope that the society does not make me to be yet another clone.
A clone without purpose.