Issues

I can't get to sleep.
I never could when I am very upset.
I realised, I just cannot sleep when I am unhappy, when my heart is disturbed and heavy.

We humans are all in search of a life partner.
One with whom we could and would spend the rest of our lives with.
Waking up, and seeing that someone.
Going to sleep and seeing that someone...
Sometimes it fazes me.
Won't we ever get sick of this life partner?
Isn't it just very very annoying when you have to wake up to that same person for the rest of your life?
Well, perhaps that someone sleeping next to you would change over the years.. and so I believe, every couple of years/months/days.. you'd find something new about that person.. because that person have changed.. and you'd discover something new about him/her that you never did before.
Thus, to me my life partner must be someone interesting. Someone who can keep me interested even after 10, 20 years.

I think I have digressed.
Or perhaps I am still right on the topic.. I don't know.
Because I forgot what my topic is all about.
I am still so majorly upset... so upset.. I feel so screwed.

Just when you think life is picking up.. everything falls.

I go back to work with a shitload of stuff.
So initially I was complaining about counting down the time, so I can leave office.. Now, time runs out on me.
Not that I am complaining that I have too many things to do.
Well, I do have too many things to do now.. and I am not complaining. Because that is what I actually hoped for. And I am somewhat glad with this new workload.
But.. I've been slacking for close to 3 months now.
The stress makes my chest heavy.. and I struggle to breathe.
I am so overloaded with things.. with so many fucking emails to read.. It's like.. I've been thrown to choppy seas.. and the waves keep bringing me down.. whilst I keep struggling to keep my head up.
Many times in the day.. I'd sit at my desk and think..
What the fuck, what should I do next?
And I get so worried about thinking into detail what I should be doing.. because.. thinking equals to time wasted.
And so I panic.
This happens like every 2 hours or so.
I seriously have alot of stuff to do.. but I just don't know which to do first.
And I keep a mental list of things that I am supposed to do.. But.. at the end of the day.. after work.. I just start wondering if I actually did leave anything important out.

I am not someone who is very in tune with myself and my inner self so to speak.
I realise it because.. sometimes when I am stressed.. I wouldn't know it.
It's like.. I feel giddy at work many times.. it is only when I get so giddy.. and feel like I am about to faint.. that I realise I am stressed.. and probably suffering from anxiety attacks.
Because I try to rush myself.. no.. more like.. I force myself to do all my work. force myself so much so.. I am stressed without knowing it.

I need a break.
On top of the increasing workload... I have to deal with my company's merger.
Not that this is the first time I am hearing news of the merger.
But knowing for a fact that my company is going to be phased out.. sorta hit me real hard.
Although in the new company.. there are vacancies.. and we are all eligible to apply.. It's just hitting me harder than I thought it would.
It's like.. I've grown so comfortable with my current life and situation.
I've created a zone in which I am comfortable with.. And I am just very reluctant now to leave me comfort zone and face those horrid uncertainties.

It's like..
Who would I be working with? What is my new working environment like? Will I be happy there? Is the job scope the same? etc etc.

It is not easy getting to where I am today.
I remember when I just started out working. I went home crying everyday in my first week.
I ran to the toilet many times to silently cry.
I was so stressed, so cranky..
I remember all that too vividly.
It ain't easy.. building a relationship with my immediate supervisor..
How I went through hell.. just to get to where I am today.
Asking me to give it all up? It's hard.. and I am not taking it too well.

Though there is a possibility that we will both be offered a job in the new office.
But but but.. it is not guaranteed that we will be working together as a team anymore.
And.. I am just so darn sick of having to start off from the beginning... afterall I've already been so comfortable with where I am right now.

On top of that.. I just can't bear to leave everything behind..
The routined life I have now.. My working space, my computer.. my office.
10 months.
10 happy months..
It just breaks my heart now.. To know that in a couple of months time.. All these will fall apart.

And I just don't know how to handle this.
And this entire thing.. have been seriously bugging me.. Making me one very unhappy and gloomy person.

Also, I cannot decide if I want to go over to the new office.
It's between a job and the package.
Both have it's advantages..
And I hate hate hate making decisions.

A job
This would mean I'd be given the opportunity to continue in this trade.. to pick up the necessary skills for merchandising.
This would perhaps also mean.. I would still be working with a couple of familiar faces.. and it's not totally foreign to me.
But this also means.. we have to fight it out in the new company.. where alliances have already been formed.. and we have to then try hard to break in to fit in.
This would also mean going through uncertain periods.
This would being fighting hard to adapt to a new environment.

The package.
Although I vividly recall the details of the package.. Somehow.. I lost that sheet of paper.. and is beginning to doubt if I interpreted it wrongly.. And I don't want to make a major mistake of picking up the package.. and realising it is not what I thought it was.
And the thing is.. There is no HR people in my office.. Our HR is in HK.
So its like super tough.. trying to get to speak to someone.
I guess I need to find out to confirm.. like real soon.
But when I confirm.. then what?
How do I weigh the pros and cons and consider if this package is justified..
Whether I should drop my job for this package?
I really can't decide.
How do you expect me to? It's like both has equal advantages.
Further, I am thinking of venturing out into something else.. something more related to marketing.. Since I am given the opportunity to look for new jobs without seeming like a job hopper.
But but but.. the thought of job search all over again freezes me.
The 100+ emails and few miserly replies.
The many interviews and the few miserly replies.
The horrid salary packages offered..
And the dilemma.
I am just not too sure I want to put myself through that once more.

--
So tell me.. How can one decide?
I wish they never gave us a choice.
That they either force us to move over.. or just force us to pick up the package.
Sometimes being given a choice is not a wise decision.
In this case.. it complicates matter for me.

And I am infamous for my indecisiveness.
I can't make decisions.. More often than not.. I rely on others to make them for me..
How can I make a decision like this? When it's such a big one?

I go to sleep every night with all these hanging over my head.
And truly.. this is my first time discussing all these out at length.
I've kept it inside long enough. I've waited long enough to spill all these out.

Everytime I attempt to start talking about all these.. to just lift it off my chest.
I am greeted with a I'd call you back later.

I remember reading in Cia's blog months back..
Sorry for fuck.
I think sorry is the most misused word.
It becomes such a convenient solution to all situations and all problems.. that it is misused.
It's like.. Every problem you encounter.. you use sorry to just cover it up.
Sorry to just bury it.
It's always just a sorry.
Yes..
Sorry for fuck?
It is the most useless and worthless thing.

So much so.. sorry becomes.. just another word.

--
I've reached breaking point.
Such a weakling ain't I?
Such simple troubles. Such easy to deal with problems.. and I am breaking down.

Yes.. I review the things bothering me.. the troubles I have..
And I despise myself.
It's like..
What the fuck is my problem..
Such small issues.. and I can't handle it.
Such small issues.. and I am breaking apart.

All these is trying me mad.