How are you?

Just a simple, how are you?
I cannot answer.

I mean..
How am I really?

I cannot decided.

What are some of the standard answers?

Great!
Well, the thing is, I wouldn't say I am doing great exactly. Great! Sounds wayyy too good for me.. It's like.. everything is looking rosy and nice.. and I am all smiley and happy. Which well, I am not.

Not too good...
It isn't that negative as it sounds.. I mean.. not too good sounds sooo negative doesn't it? It sounds as if something bad happened, and things are not looking too up. It's like a prolonged period of baaaddd.. And sometimes.. it is not that I had been going through a rough patch.. it's just that.. I don't want to sound like everything is all rosy and perfect (see belows, not too bad..) But yet, opting for a not too good is a little too much.
Though sometimes when I say I am not too good, I really mean I am very very very upset.. But yet, it conveys a little of a balance in the answer. It's like.. though I am not too good.. I can't really complain.. That sort of feel. But really.. that is not the case most of the time..

Not too bad..
Sounds a teeeny bit too positive for my liking. It's like.. Not too bad!! Things are picking up and looking Great!. BUT BUT.. it ain't describing my situation either. I mean.. I am not doing that good.. you know what I mean? (Ok, I think maybe you don't.)

Ok lor..
Most of the time, this is the answer I'd give my friends, but I feel more compelled to give that answer. Because everytime a friend asks, "So how are you?" They tend to be a little on the impatient side.. and not want to wait for me to go through my entire thought process. Therefore, when I see/hear/sense the irritation, I'd go for the easy way out.. and head for a quick "ok lor". But that hardly describes what I feel. Perhaps it does... but I wish I could do better than a ok lor..
Once again, ok lor is tad bit positive. I mean.. though I am rather positive.. as in things are not thunder/lightning type of bad.. but the positivity in ok lor is abit too hard for me to take.. And worse, it sounds abit.. superficial.. Like if someone were to tell me he/she is doing ok lor.. that is almost like an insult to my question.. Cos I'd get the.. might as well don't answer feeling..
So even though ok lor is the closest to how I feel.. I wish I could sound a little bit more sincere..

I really don't know leh..
Sometimes, when I am bored with the standard ok lor... I'd go for this.. most of the time, when I say that.. It's usually really when I am upset beyond words.. and I just can't bring myself to say I am doing real bad. But this happens rarely. Or perhaps.. I only acknowledge that I am going through rough times when I have cried nonstop for 2 hours....
But I really like to say I really don't know when I am upset.. I have no idea why.
Even though I know.. I somehow would pretend I don't know.
Sigh.. I am truly the Queen of Denial.

Ok, I guess....
I think this has to be my ultimate answer.
I go with an ok, which is supposed to be positive. But yet, at the same time.. I would let the other party know that I am at the same time doubting myself.
This is different from the ok lor. Because I don't end it with a I guess. Which means.. when I say I am ok lor.. I really think perhaps I am ok.
But at this, I perhaps sense that I am not that ok. But I am just pretending to be ok?
Ok, this doesn't make sense.. And by now.. you would have realised "ok" is like my most misused word.
I use ok for everything under the sun.

How are you?
ok
How's work?
ok
How's your boss?
ok
How's the food?
ok
How's your headache?
ok
How's the photos?
ok
How's the sale?
ok
.
.
.

Let me not digressed.
So really, when I say I am ok, I guess...
It probably means I am not ok.
I am just hoping I am ok.
Complicated isn't it?
I like to think that I am a simple person..and very easy to read..
But if I am.. then why can't I answer a simple question like...

How are you?

** If you got this far, you would have realised that the writer is cranky, tired and suffering from fatigue. However, she would like to thank you for showing such immense interest in her crankiness and at the same time, truly applaud you. For you are more idle than she is.. and clearly more bored than she is.

Disclaimer: This is by no means, an accurate and comprehensive guide to understanding and loving the writer. Please do not by any means lift any part of the above from this entry, and publish elsewhere. More importantly, please do not use any part of the above entry against the writer during petty quarrels and arguements.
Such acts of disregard will not be tolerated.