The heart

Do you understand the heart?
I don't. Not even mine.

I am 23 now.
But it feels like yesterday that I was 18.
The heart feels the same, the girl, almost the same.
Nothing much changed.
Come to think of it.
Reaccessing myself and the situation.
Everything did not change.

When I was younger. I always thought.. when I grew up.. I would be different.
When I started work, I would be different.
How different, I don't know.

But now that I have probably grown up, things are still.. the same.
I still feel the same way.
Helpless.

Many times, I've tried to control, this feelings I have. The heart of mine.
After countless of heartaches/heartbreaks throughout the many years, I thought I've changed.
I always thought that with each relationship, I would have moulded my character/personality.
After the demise of each relationship, I thought I would have picked up valuable insights, and changed.

But today, I realise.. I am not any much more different when I started out at the beginning.
I am still fundamentally the same.
And so, I started to wonder, if this was normal.
If being the same person as I once was, without much of a change is something healthy.

I always held this notion, that I changed for the better.
It is comforting isn't it? To know that you have changed for the better.
But sadly, I begin to realise that telling myself I've changed for the better, is just delusion.
For if I were to look at myself clearly, I would have realised, nothing has changed.
I am still me.
To me, that is bad news.
For I yearn to change.
To grow and change.
To realise that you are stuck at where you once were..
It's just very saddening.

I received an sms from a friend whom I've neglected for a very long time.
She said, she felt unsettled in her relationship.
I told her.
Sometimes you think too much
In my heart, I secretly prayed, that I wasn't saying that to myself.
But I think I was.

I tried to understand this heart of mine since I knew what this heart was capable of.
Today, I am as good as I am since I started.
I can no longer understand this heart of mine.
Nor, can I steer it towards any direction.

For the past few weeks, I've prod it, in search of a missing love, that sometimes I wish still exists.
Just when I thought it was there, hidden deep beneath the heart suffers from yet another blow.
Perhaps it's a small issue.
But when a small issue happens again and again, does that logically escalate into a bigger-than-thought issue?

Sometimes I feel we are just 2 lost individuals floating along down this road.
How long before we reach the crossroads and decide to go separate ways?

I want this heart to love.
To feel the intense overwhelming like once more.
But instead, all that it is capable of feeling now is.. disappointmend and pain.
Perhaps that in itself is love.
But I refuse, and will not think of it that way.
I remember it wasn't as such.

I cannot coerce this heart to love you.
I can only wait for it to one day perhaps love you.
But what if it doesn't?
Or what if the day it does, you gave up and love another?
What if..

What was loving you like?
Nothing like what it is now.
No hurtful stuff spewed, no tantrums, no tears, no heartaches.

It was once sweet.
And I hoped it would have been beautiful.
But all those memories are fast fading away.
Instead, they are replaced by.. tears and fears.
How do we start anew?
Where do we go from here?

Maybe you are the naive one.
To think so simply, that we can always work things out.
Either that or I am the pessimist.
To think that nothing can be improved.

My mother said:
If you don't intend to marry him, don't be together already.. stop wasting each other's time.
I said:
Yes, it's true. I wish he can let me go
He said:
No, I think we can work things out

Do you see my dilemma?
Can you understand my troubles?

I want to get married.
Despite what I was thought of marriage.
Yes it's true.
That marriage is just a certificate.
But this certificate would definitely signify a deeper level than just the relationship we are having now.
It's a guaranteed commitment in itself.

But, I have yet to find the one I want to marry.
He is not the one.
And as much as I think this is a pointless journey, he refuses to see it in the same way as I see it.
Hence, I am just stuck.

Perhaps sometimes we are happy.
Many times I am glad that we're together.
But, a deeper love is lacking.
The feeling that overwhelms you.
Like:
Oh man, I truly love you. If you leaves me one day I'd be terribly upset.
I can't say now if I would be terribly upset.
I would be upset.
But I would be more upset at the fact that i am losing a companion, than the fact that I am losing someone I love and treasure very dearly.
And because we have been in this relationship for a year, the lacking in that deeper love disturbs me.
For perhaps this deeper love would never exist.
The fact that I do not see him as the one to spend forever with confuses me.
So where are we heading now?

I use to think, that we are directionless because he never provided me a direction.
But I realise, even when he did, and indicated where he wants this relationship to be headed.
I am still not going together with him.

I am just tired.
Tired of life, and this heart of mine.
Someone please bring it back to life.