Ah ma

Been a really really long time since I visited ah ma.
Today, just as I was about to go out, Mummy asked if I wanted to go visit Ah ma.
I deliberated for 5 minutes, and called Barbie.
Change of plans now..
And we rearranged our plans to meet at Tiong Bahru instead.

We all had dinner at Sakae.
Inhibited ordering of food felt good.
And for the first time, I actually tried a piece of raw salmon.
Right.
At first, when I was chewing, it felt alright.
Then I just had to ask if the salmon was purely raw.
Because of its orangey tint, I always assumed it was boiled, or something.
I never ever took raw salmon as seriously raw salmon.
Till today.
My dad, brother, sister, mother and barbie had to confirm that its raw RAW just as I was chewing it.
My face turned green almost immediately.
And I gagged on it.
Had to wash it down with ice water to force it down the throat, and prevent from creating a scene.
Gross can.

I miss ah ma.
Although she's still alive, and rather healthy.
The fact that her memory is all gone makes it feel as if ah ma passed away the day she had me forgotten.
It's sad.
I miss the times, when she knew me and talked to me.
When she was so happy to see me, when she cooked my favourite dishes, and just talked to me.
How she always love to tell me studying is important.

Look, ah ma.
I've graduated.
I'm working now.
I am finally earning some money, and am an adult.
Though alive, she cannot see.
All these does not register in her brain anymore.
The people she once loved are all forgotten.

Nobody cooks my favourite dishes every Saturday anymore.

If I had just one wish that I can fulfil.
I'd wish Ah ma will get back her memories, and remember me and the rest of her children once more.
Its painful to watch her so carefree now.

I truly truly miss her.
And I regret those times during the earlier stages of her alzheimer, how I would be so annoyed that she keeps asking me the same thing over and over again. She keeps repeatin the same stuff again and again.
I regret being so anoyed.
Because at least then, she had some inkling of who I was, and repeated words of concern.

I truly truly miss her.
But I hate visiting her now.
How it becomes so painful.

Not really in the mood to continue this entry.
Will be back tomorrow about playing pool for the first time in the 23 years of my life.
Till later.