I love LBB

Recollecting memories.

Approximately a year ago..
I received an anonymous request on MSN.
Thinking it was some classmate of mine, I added that person.
It was perhaps a week or 2 later, when I actually spoke to that someone.
And asked if I actually knew him/her personally.
Apparently it was a stranger.

Me: So how did you get my email add?
Him: Sorry, I can't remember..

I sat there cracking my brains.
Trying to recall if I did recently give away my email add and asked anybody to add me on MSN.
It was then, I remembered I left it on my then blog. So perhaps he was one from the xanga community.

Me: Do you have a blog?
Him: No..

Back to square one.
It eluded me.
How I suddenly became acquainted with a stranger via MSN.
For sometime there, I wondered if this was just some freak pervert, and I should block or delete this person off.
But since he wasn't yet offensive.
I let it hang..

The next time round:
Him: I remember already, I read your blog.
Me: ohhh..

And so we started chatting a little.
And soon, it became more frequent, and sometimes till the wee hours of the morning.
Before long, we started exchanging smses.
And I'd receive messages at the most ridiculous times.
Mostly it would relate to my blog.

This person/stranger became my number one fan.
Really.
He was the first I know we actually read back my entire blog.
And remember entries that even I the writer can't recall.

September 4 2004
We had our first date.
He was as interesting as interesting can be.
He never did ask me out as many perverts would.
Army Open House 2004.
I really wanted to check it out.
How I hinted.
Till he finally said.
If nobody accompany you, I would.

I was as excited as excited can be.
Though at the very last minute.
I so nearly wanted to back out.
I was faint with anxiety, and thought this would perhaps be a very very unwise choice.
The thought the he still might be some pervert lingered in my head.
Afterall, who would really read 2 years worth of blog entries, and found them interesting?
Furthermore, prior to the date, we never once conversed on the phone.
Discounting the call I made to him on the day itself to wake him up.. which went along the lines of..
Me: errr.. wake up!
Him: hmm? Ok.
Me: ok wake up huh. Bye.
Him: ok. Bye.

Anyhow, he turned out to be totally what I did not expect.
He looked totally intimidating.
Truly.
But he spoke soooooooo horribly softly.
That half the time I just pretended I heard him.

From noon to dusk.
We spent it at the Army Open House.
Despite how he hated the army, and everything related.
We still had a fairly good time.
Though we had to abruptly leave because Pixie and Bubbles caught a wift of things and came leaping at my tail.

Without knowing where our next destination was.
We boarded the train.
I got him to select 2 of his favourite number.
He chose 11 and 5 (which I later learned was related to his birthday).
11+5 gives us 16.
And we checked out the MRT stations.
There was NS16: Ang Mo Kio and EW16: Outram.
Because he lived in AMK, that was ruled out.
So we headed to Outram for our dinner.

After dinner, we boarded the first bus that came along at a bus stop and decided to head to nowhere.
Before we passed Bugis, stopped and caught a movie.

Perhaps not one of the most romantic dates.
But one of the most memorable ones.

A first date, with a stranger whom I have never spoken to on the phone and at the Army Open House.
It was truly memorable to me.

4 very interesting dates later, more MSN chats and more smses on.
We actually got together.
Today, he is known as my very abused brown bear.

I wouldn't say everything was smooth-sailing for us.
Like every relationship we are plagued with problems.
Me, leaving for Yunnan, spending close to a month away from home, from him.
Him, working his ridiculous shifts and OTs.
Insecurities, tantrums, punctuality, insensitivity etc.

Almost on a very regular basis, I would want out of this relationship.
I've lost the faith I once had in relationships and love altogether.
Though its nice to be in love, and to love someone.
I am just afraid and skeptical about the whole thing.
So much so its been a really really rocky year.
All those tears, heartache, lack of sleep, frustration, anger..

But still, he is one sweet boy.
Who's really really special.
How he constantly and consistently put up to my pinch-till-it-bleeds or my TIGHT-slap-across-the-face-in-public and less often the bite-till-it-swells
He puts up with it all.
Though he complains of the violence.
He is still sweet nonetheless.

He learns to please, in small subtle manners.
That makes me smile.
Knowing how much effort he puts in.
Now, he never slams down the phone on me.
Though pissed, he would wait for me to slam down the phone on him.
How he would get so pissed with me and later on apologise.
And during the day, call me during lunch to just ask what I am doing, what I ate.

I always maintained that I am easily contented.
I am happy with just a 2 minute call to ask how I am.
It shows shows I have been thought about.
And that is enough to get me through the entire day.

In other relationships.
After a year.
I would have proclaimed that I know my partner very well.
Or that I would be ready to spend the rest of my life with that partner.

But in this relationship,
because of the glass wall I built around me.
I cannot say the same.
I don't think I know him as well as I think I should.
And because of my contradictions.
I do not know if I am ready to spend the rest of my life with him.
Sometimes I find myself thinking of him as a permanent fixture.
But other times, I'd catch myself at it, and take it back.

But really, does it matter?
I think we should all just live for the moment.
Just like Save for fuck?
We should think along the lines of Plan for fuck?
Who knows, tomorrow I would drop dead.
It's better not to plan.
At least after I drop dead, and the newspapers or friends ask, he wouldn't have to very dramatically tell them that:
Ya, we were planning to get married..
Bring the whole issue up a notch.
Instead it would just be:
Yes, she was special to me, and we did love each other. Too bad she's dead now.
Ok, if he did say that.. I would haunt him.
But anyhow..

I love my boyfriend.
The one whom I kick out of bed when I am angry.
The one whom I think of when I wake from a horrid dream.
The one whom I pinch in utter anger, till it bleeds and draw blood.
The one whom I love enough to spend every available time with.
The one whom I would slap in crowded areas to shame him for something he did wrong.
The one whom I would sacrifice sleep for, just to chat with him at the end of every tiring day.
The one whom I call fat and stupid, and tell that to all my friends and colleagues.
The one whom I am happy with.
Truly happy.

It always always amazes me.
How from strangers we progress to what we are now.
I've always thought.
What if he never did chance upon my blog out of the many thousands of others.
or what if I never did accept his invitation on MSN.
What if...

I love my boyfriend.
He is as special as special can be.